


Family Has No Labels

by coldstyles



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Protective Calum Hood, Protective Luke, Protective Michael, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Touring
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:27:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25046869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coldstyles/pseuds/coldstyles
Summary: Ashton struggled with depression for years. Now he has people who he can count on to help him out of the void and back into the light.Or, 5 times Ashton faced his depression and the boys helped him and 1 he helped them.
Relationships: Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin, Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin, Michael Clifford/Ashton Irwin
Kudos: 34





	Family Has No Labels

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Self harm, depression, negative thoughts, low self esteem

He stared down at the blade. Was he really going to do this? After nearly a year of being clean? He can handle the pressure, he knows he can. So why did his brain automatically turn to this as the only solution? 

Ashton had stopped cutting when he was 18. After he joined the band, he had finally felt loved and accepted, something that was always lacking in his life. Luke was the first one to notice his scars. 

He remembers how shocked Luke had been. How his hands shook as he gently reached for Ashton’s arm to confirm his fears. And Ashton let him do it. He had always tried to hide his scars, worried people would look down on him. He almost pulled away, but subconsciously, Ashton knew he needed help. And he finally had people he felt could make a positive difference in his life. 

Luke was quiet for a while, just looking at his arms, thumb gently running up and down. Ashton barely noticed the tears running down his face. Luke looked back up at him.

“Why?” It wasn’t what he expected. He remembered people at school would always make fun of him for the thin white lines that stood out on his wrists. Something that made him so much uglier than everyone else (at least, that's what he thought at the time). Because they tainted his skin, it was proof that he was damaged, possibly beyond repair.

But Ashton should’ve known Luke wouldn’t be like the other kids. Luke was quiet and disgustingly kind. He had a big heart and Ashton didn’t know it at the time, but Luke would become a rock in his life, someone he could always turn to. 

Ashton contemplated lying, saying the scars were from a long time ago, when he was much angrier and much sadder. But he looked at Luke and knew he couldn’t lie. Luke, like his other bandmates, gave him a warmth and a comfort like he had never felt before. He finally felt safe and he had a purpose within the band they formed (at this time he hadn’t realized that just being himself was enough).

Ashton sighed. He could do this. He looked up at Luke and saw the concern in his eyes. 

“I just,” he paused, lip quivering, “I feel  _ so  _ lost.” Luke pulled him into a hug and Ashton finally let go. 

After that, he stopped. It had taken a while, but he did it. He probably wouldn’t have been able to do it without the boys. Anytime he felt the urge to cut, he would find one the boys. And it may be cheesy, but just being in their presence would calm him down. This reassured him that he was capable of being loved and he didn’t need to cut to feel things.

So how did he get here, after all of his progress, sitting on the bathroom floor, in a random hotel room, with a razor blade in his hands? 

Maybe it was the hate he was getting on twitter, or the exhaustion from the tour. Maybe it was the homesickness or the lack of privacy that was finally getting to him. Maybe it was from his anxiety convincing him that his bandmates were going to leave him at any second. Maybe it was a combination of all of those things  _ and _ more. 

He didn’t know. But the minute their tour bus pulled up to the hotel they would be staying at, Ashton found himself hurrying to their shared room and into the bathroom, fingers itching to get ahold of the blade. 

Subconsciously, he knew this was not a solution, this was not going to help him the way he thought it would. It wouldn’t get rid of his deprecating thoughts or the fact that he felt empty inside. The logical side of his brain was urging him to unlock the bathroom door and go to his friends, his brothers, who could pull him out of this void. 

He shakes his head. He doesn’t want to be a burden. This isn't their problem, they don’t deserve all of Ashton’s baggage. 

But what if they could help? They’ve helped him before and they’ve always told him that they would be there for him no matter what. 

He takes the blade and makes a thin cut on his wrist before he can change his mind. Maybe they could help him, but this is the only thing that makes sense in his mind at the moment. 

The pain surprises him, he had forgotten what it felt like. But, within seconds, his entire body was filled with relief. He watched, mesmerized, as the drops of blood dripped down his wrist. He’s  _ alive  _ (if only he didn’t need cutting to convince him of it). 

The pain was the first thing he had felt in a while. It literally cut through the numbness that had been occupying his mind. 

Tears sprung out of his eyes, a hysterical laugh making its way out of his mouth. He stared down at the blood.  _ I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive.  _

His crying suddenly turned into sobs, and he dropped the razor, bringing his hand to cover his mouth. What had he done? 

There was a knock on the door. Ashton stilled, trying to silence his sobs. A hesitant voice followed the knocking.

“Ashton, are you ok?” Luke. Ashton stood up on shaking legs and walked to the door. He was ashamed, but his craving for comfort overrode how pathetic he felt. He swung open the door, revealing a very concerned Luke. Luke looked at Ashton, then down at his wrist, where blood was still flowing, and pulled him into a hug without hesitation. 

Ashton sunk into the hug, noticing Calum and Michael, through blurry eyes, a few feet away, looking very worried. Ashton opened his arms, welcoming them in too. They immediately came forward, joining the group hug. Ashton cried harder. He thought the other boys were crying, but it's hard to tell with his own crying loud in his ears. 

“I’m sorry.” He said. He felt Luke squeeze him tighter, mumbling about how he had no reason to be sorry. They stayed like that for a while, Ashton wasn’t sure how long.

When they finally pulled away, they directed him to one of the beds in their hotel room where they could all sit and talk. It was quiet. He didn’t know whether somebody was waiting for him to talk first, but he knew that if he started talking he wasn’t sure what he was going to say.

“Why didn’t you come to one of us?” It was Calum. A pang of guilt struck his heart. 

“I don’t know.” It was somewhat true, he was lost in his mind, in the idea that the only way to make it better was to do this. That, and also he was terrified of letting his guard down, of letting people in. Calum just looked at him and Ashton knew he owed him more than a lie. 

He took a deep breath, “I’m scared. Things are moving so fast, and it feels like we barely spend time together, just us, anymore, and I was worried we were drifting apart, and I’m scared of messing up, and people have been sending me hate on twitter, and I miss home, and I’m just so  _ exhausted.”  _ He felt so drained, like someone had sucked the life right out of him.

“I just wanted to feel something again,” he sniffled, “I want to be normal, it's just..... My mind is messed up, and I don’t know what to do.” He reaches his hands up to cover his face, to hide his shame. Now they all know that he’s broken, they’re going to kick him out. 

“Ash, look at me,” Luke reached and gently pulled Ashton’s hands away from his face, “we are going to help you, all we want is for you to be happy.” Ashton listened to Luke’s soft voice, trying to believe him, but having a hard time doing so. 

“We’re never leaving you,” Michael added, “trust me, I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me whether you like it or not.” That got a smile out of Ashton. It dropped when he remembered the blood dripping down his arm. He cringed when he realized he probably got blood on the other boys. That toxic feeling of guilt threatened to overwhelm him. 

“I can’t.” He can’t unload his issues on these boys. They deserve better than him. 

“No, none of that,” Michael said, as if he was reading his mind, “I know you feel like you don’t deserve help, but you matter to us and we hate seeing you hurt.” Ashton felt overwhelming love burst in his chest. Even if he struggled with loving himself, he knew he would always love these boys that have become his family. 

“We helped you before, and we can do it again,” Calum said, “you are not going to go through this alone.” Ashton considered this. They were right. Maybe it isn’t so bad to want to have people to depend on.

“Please Ash, just let us in, let us help you.” Luke insisted. Ashton sighed, and nodded. The boys knew they still have a long road ahead of them. Even though they helped Ashton before, his depression never truly went away. It was something that would stick with him forever, and he needed to manage it. 

The boys leaned in for one last hug, whispering assurances to him, before Luke went to reach for a towel to take care of Ashton’s arm. He still felt incredibly guilty, and he knew that it would take time for him to feel comfortable being vulnerable around the boys again. 

But that’s ok. Self-love is a journey. He knew he would get there eventually, especially with the boys at his side. For now though, he knew, once again, that he had people he could count on to always be there for him. And they were. 

  
  



End file.
